I was eating fine. I even dropped a few pounds sticking to the 45 minute walk and no cookie plan.

However, Phillip decided he didn't know what love was, and we broke up.

So I reverted back to my breakup panacea of chocolate, Ben & jerry's, Red Sugar Poetry, several cigarettes a day, and foreign films. La Haine is amazing.

So then I gained it all back.

However. I decided to move this summer, and look super good.

And I don't want to buy a size five shorts. I'm going to buy size four.

Which is promising.

well damn

So Phillup brought in a ship full of stolen pastries, bread, butter, and sausage. I told him I was living in poverty levels and couldn't afford all that much, so he became my savior. Yesterday -oatmeal -egg and cheese -two hot pockets my friend is participating in the april 25th invisible children fund raising. if you'd like to save children in uganda from being kidnapped and killed, please try to help her out her link is below this sentence http://ic.stayclassy.org/member/ic-fundraising?fcid=54918

What I'm Not

Although I am obsessed with the human body. Although I admire the graceful thin winged ballerina and the courageous model with lollypop stick arms...This is not me.
I love form. I love health.
I appreciate my life and I wouldn't do anything to ruin it.
There's been times where I didn't eat for weeks and YES i did lose weight, but a month later I gained it all back.
I've seen dreadful pictures of cellulite tornadoes and thighs that could have struck Texas down...but my main GOAL is to become completely comfortable with who I am.
And that comfort isn't going to come from fasts, vegan plans, or sweating so hard I pass out.

It's one step at a time. It's eating better and walking a little bit further...I'm not trying to starve.
Though if you are trying to starve I understand where your coming from, it's just the wrong cup of tea.

odus and flying rabbits

all right. so.
for the past couple of days I've been eating like mad. Luckily there's only been oranges, apples and oatmeal in my closet, so it hasn't been mad junk. It's been health treasures.
Either way.
I started the morning off with honey-nut-cheerios
Phillups coming in today.
I want a tattoo. I think I'm going to draw it myself. Arm or upper back?
Yesterday I had a sharpie in my hand, and I was giving party-goers tattoos left and right, and they came out pretty cool.

LENT. I figured it out. There's a giant mountain by my house, and I think for Lent my goal is to climb it at least once a day.

k, so then anna bought be dinner

and now its

breakfast-peach cup. banana

lunch-bagel with honey cream cheese

dinner-cottage cheese/half of an mnm cookie

...and pudding

i should really consider giving up sweets for lent

well i cleared everything up. sort of with odus. now i just feel like an idiot.
he's such a lovely boy. i really do want the best for him.

food though!
I walked three miles today listening to the same three songs over again
regina spektor-blue lips
local natives--who knows, who cares
carolina chocolate drops-corn bread/ butter beans

food.
breakfast-cup o peaches/ 1 banana
lunch-onion bagel with cream cheese/ honey
dinner?- because of my starving artist situation i'll probably drink some coffee
don't yell at me! this isn't intentional. i have to get paid before i buy groceries

But there's all the small details, fine lines, and nerves that keeps me from really exclaiming my anxiety.
this has nothing to do with food.
though i am going to make some oatmeal.

where is my blue body suit these days?

damn emerald vines

i guess it's for reason like that

i am dating the most wonderful human being on the face of the planet

his name is phillup.

and we go out to old barns for chicken and biscuits, sing to each other in the car, make love on his Indian rug, and laugh at each others light-headed comments.

then he says things like this, "but she'll judge you."

the "she" in this senerio is Emerald, the very intellectual mouse that wants his trousers.

and when Phillup said "judge"
All i could think of is...she doesn't no me.

she doesn't know when i'm laughing at my nieces, or baking a cake for my father, or forgetting about rent, getting drunk in my closet, or crying over gooey-gum-cake

she just see's my appearence

i'm wearing a burgnady sweater, gray cordoroys, my hairs in a frazzled bun, my lips are small and slanted, my eyes are gray and weary...and i'm not the prettiest charm in his locket.

i don't have long slender shoulders or rose colored cheeks...

and if you ever met Phillup, he attracts girls like Meghan Fox and Emma Watson.

So for him, I feel like I should stop obsessing over food.

I should get on this lenten diet

and become the meghan or emma...

but at the same time

I just want to be happy.

i went a week from my last post, eating oatmeal everyday.

honestly...because I didn't have money for food.

but secondly, because i knew i'd come see phillup.

and i'd meet girls like Emerald.

And I'd want to be better then my body.

mmmm

egg salad sandwhich

two cookies

carrots and ranch

pizza

cinnamon sticks

how do they do it?

cigarettes
coffee with white chocoalte creamer
a six-inch steak
two rasberry cookies..mmmm

vwell...i changed it from three-seven
because? obviously...i was hungry

I woke up at nine-thirty, drove to Starbucks and picked up a white mocha with rasberry flavoring. and it was the most sexual thing I've ever drank. that held me over until three.
i was just in modern, throwing my slacks back on when Lilly (prof) insisted that I eat something, she made me walk downstairs and buy a chocolate muscle muffin and an apple for good measure

muffin-366
apple-130
starbucks-450
total-946

Is that completely idiotic?

Five-Seven?

one meal a day?

i'm pretty sure I would punch myself in the face for thinking that's ok.

But I can't help but toy with the idea.

Five to Seven

So yesterday I ate a wild amount of pretty much everything my mother stuffed into a valentines day box. and although it was gratifying because chocolate covered pretzels are gorgeous things...I decided to try the five-to-seven deal. Where I eat one meal between five-to-seven, that way I can't over eat.

2-13-2011

weight-132

height=5'2

goal w-115

By May 1, 2011

I woke up at twelve today. I feel like I have a hangover, but I didn't drink. I'm completely warn out, my head hurts, neck hurts, I must have cancer, or some cardio tangerine disease.

Anyway.

I dislike weight. I dislike articles on obesity, how to eat avacodas, and what creamers the most fattening. If I could I'd eat twelve-million cheese cakes and then roll in oreo pudding.

However, I want to be tiny. Which reminds me of the plague...But somehow I want to do this.

So first thing I ate today.

four meatballs (I stole from work)-550

coffee with creamer-60

So if I want to lose weight, the health charts
say to eat 1,300
So I have 690 calories left to spare.
Let's see if this works.




It's sad...because I feel like all women are beautiful. No matter what their weight is, but I can't help butfeel immobile in my own body. I don't feel in sync. I'd like to feel like I can relate and understand it. What I mean by that...is I simply want to regain my confidence.